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54 – Volume 9, Episode 1 | Table of Contents | 56 – Volume 9, Episode 3
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This recap is fresh, and may change inbetween its initial posting on my journal and its eventual posting on the comm. Do not read this if you aren’t caught up on RWBY up to Volume 8.
I shamelessly pirated this, so the links I give may go dead if the videos are taken down. Just let me know if they fail to work.
V9E2, “Altercation at the Auspicious Auction”
You know, the real way you know a show just doesn’t have it anymore is if you’re trying to figure out how to recap it and play phone games at the same time. I am no more into this season now than when Episode 1 started. But here we go.
The team have gathered on the hill overlooking the huge tree, as well as several levels imported from a 1990s collectathon. Yang questions if they’re supposed to just stand around and do nothing, or address Blake’s stinger comments from last episode.
R: I know this place is weird… But a fairy tale? That’s just impossible.
You know what, I’m so over this and over being patient with it. You guys have had literal years to refine your technique and your writing style and your freakin’ dialogue, and years further to do so for this volume in particular.
The Lovegood Fallacy: 17
"But what if fairy tale real O.O” is absolutely getting slapped with that point and I ought to make it a double point just for dragging it out of retirement.
Weiss pipes up.
W: What we’ve seen is improbable, but that doesn’t mean we’re in an actual fairy tale. Are we seriously entertaining this?
Y: Do you have a better explanation for what’s going on?
You know, I’d list those better explanations, but the list is basically all of them. You wanna know why? Here’s a bullet list.
- The first problem, of course, is that they’re treating Alice in Wonderland as a fairy tale at all, when it’s not. Yes, they’ve thrown a sheet over it and called it “The Girl Who Fell Through the World”, but once the freaking caterpillar blowing smoke and the Cheshire Cat showed up, this was Alice Mixing Pot #9,999. The real Alice in Wonderland was written in the 1860s by a goddamn college professor. It’s a children’s novel that draws inspiration from fairy tales, as are works by authors such as Hans Christien Andersen. Any actual fairy tale as even generous definitions go would be much, much, much older than that. Alice is largely commercial and way more modern than the average fairy tale.
- We the viewer know that this is an Alice in Wonderland ripoff season, but it’s still early enough that the characters reasonably shouldn’t. What they’ve seen so far is talking mice and hostile wildlife on a tropical island. Save the Jabberwalker, of all the things they’ve seen so far, you’d peg more of them as cartoon material than fairy tale material.
- And that crucial misunderstanding combined with the literary nonsense nature of Alice as a story versus the folklore that spawns actual fairy tales means that yeah, until you actually tell us what’s so fairy-tale-ish about this setting, any number of more plausible explanations will exist. For all I know or care, this is a VR simulation by some crazy technopath hacker. Maybe Watts’ ghost will get involved somewhere. Or maybe they actually fell into the TV world from Persona 4 and it looks so weird and mix-and-match because something something the population’s minds shape the world or whatever.
Weiss tries to recap, in which she says Ruby made friends with a talking mouse, and Little cheerfully repeats the “friends” part which I am sure is going to lead to some Penny-related nonsense later and am already hating for that, and which is where the part about Yang getting her arm stolen “by a talking raccoon riding on a purple wagon filled with trash” pops up. So much fairy tale in that, ya know? Weiss, becoming a robot, says this:
And then she walks off the left side of the screen, and the camera takes a couple seconds to remember to follow her,
LuLaRwe: 62
and then this happens:
Broke-Ass Clowns: 39
This is quite honestly so, so unfunny. I don’t know who is in charge that keeps inserting these cartoon-style gags, or why they’ve gotten so much worse and more prevalent during the last three seasons, but I want them to stop. I don’t know who they’re for, who the target audience is that’s supposed to be laughing. They don’t match the tone of the show as it is now and they certainly don’t match the tone of the show as it was when people actually liked it.
Blake brings up Alice, that is to say, “The Girl Who Fell Through the World”, which keeps making me think of Fallout 76 and other games that produced such glitches, and identifies this location as the Ever After, which is just RWBYverse Wonderland.
So this season is really just a straightforward recap of said story?
Yang continues the recap, predicting their next plot points to involve beating a “Red King” at a board game, meeting the “Curious Cat”, meeting a “Rusted Knight” and finally getting out through the tree. Weiss is getting fed up, wondering if they should try and find Yang’s arm or Alice—sorry, I mean “Alyx”—and pointing out that Ruby still doesn’t have Crescent Rose. The garbage dump truck of information continues piling on when Little suggests that the “Jinxy Peddler” has the latter, who she identifies as the aforementioned talking raccoon. Look, an unfunny gag! Two, actually!
We get it, Weiss is frustrated and the mouse sleeps a lot.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 41
Blake, still reading the current plot from memory, says they should be careful given “Alyx” accidentally started a war due to unfamiliary with local custom and culture. Things get interesting when Yang says Alyx was kind of a bitch in the book, and Weiss recategorizes this as Alyx trying to survive, criticizing the morals of “old stories” like Alyx’s Adventures in Wonder Ever After as overly simplistic.
*folding hands* because of course, stories like RWBY are oh-so-complex, and would never boil complicated matters down to blacks and whites. Adam and Ironwood both say hello.
Hypocrisy: 58
That one’s for Miles and Kerry.
There’s another chopped-up comedy gag,
Broke-Ass Clowns: 42
and then the worst one yet comes when Yang recaps how her arm was stolen.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 47 (+5)
The ugly 2-D bland-imation you see representing how the raccoon had apparently already made off with the arm by the time Yang woke up from her fall. The latter half of that gif you see is Blake turning into another character entirely again, as she flirts with Yang, laughing and asking if that means the raccoon caught her “unarmed” and continuing to make arm puns while her hand almost holds Yang’s.
How To Piss Off Gay People: 90
You know, the quiet part nobody ever says out loud is that a lot of Bumbleby fans are really just Yang fans, and I’m sure Rooster Teeth noticed considering Yang gets to stay in character while Blake has been replaced by some weirdo who didn’t even bother to act like her while wearing the shittiest Blake Belladonna costume in the world. Matter of fact,
Dragged Kicking and Screaming: 53
Fuck it, Blake can join Adam and Ironwood in the trunk of this weird impostor’s van.
“About time”, says Weiss, and I can’t tell if they’re referencing the way they’ve dragged out this poor man’s love story on purpose or not, but it’s apropro, so fuck it.
Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge: 35
Ruby has the gall to ask “for what”, and Weiss opts not to explain.
Hey, remember how this is supposed to be the big character development volume? Well, Ruby doesn’t, because she still thinks acting mildly down and being quiet while saying reassuring things is the same as reacting realistically to trauma, forcing Kara Eberle to have the breakdown for her. Albeit it's not much of one.
You can thank Miles and Kerry for that one, Weiss. Atlas staying in the picture wasn’t an option, someone might’ve actually tried to fix their stupid-ass writing again. But of course, in-story, crashing Atlas was Ruby’s plan, which you agreed to, which I’m sure we’re not going to draw attention to.
Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Veil: 111
R: [removing Little from atop her head and speaking rather...dead-ishly] You did the best you could for Atlas, Weiss.
Ruby is holding Little and the camera refuses to look at Weiss’ face. Guess tears were too hard to animate, huh, guys? Weiss desperately, pathetically tries to suggest that maybe Jaune and Winter were able to get the relics away from Cinder.
*finally losing temper* Yeah, Miles, it was a lot to hear. It was a lot to see, it was a lot to feel, it was a lot to witness. And just like your stupid fucking Cameo about Ironwood, nobody’s hearing your shitty placations about it. You can stop acting like you give a shit, because this is no different than any of the other crap you’ve pulled. You care about fans only insofar as trying to get them not to be mean to you, but never enough to keep your own feelings from getting in the way and fucking with the story. You had a huge winner in Volume 7, but Kiersi changing your masterpiece vision was too fucking much for you even though her ideas were better.
Ruby just turns away and we get a crash of thunder as, yet again, the weather reacts to Ruby’s emotional state, which just comes off as Ruby being so dead and bland that the sky has to do the crying for her.
RWBY come to a bridge that looks like this,
which I’m too pissed off to care about.
Little says this bridge is their next crossing, but when questioned, admits they’ve never been this far before, and they deny any desire to go back since they wouldn’t know how. This is RWBY’s reaction.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 48
Seriously, who are these gags for? Who?
Little is just building a miniature house out of twigs when Weiss does what she’s obviously supposed to do and invites them to come with the team. Cue house collapse and a yes.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 50 (+2)
*sigh* The downside of recapping these as I watch them come rolling out is that there’s no transcript. So I have to type this sign RWBY read in the marketstall populated by…
Whatever the fuck you’d call these things. Anyway, they read a sign that says:
I dunno the font they went with for that, but fuck it, I’m not hunting it down.
Coming across a congregation surrounding a circus caravan bearing Jinxy’s name, Yang looks forward to starting a fight. Blake, still stringently vomiting recaps of the book she read, says that “Alyx” had to barter, but Yang is having none of it. I’m on Yang’s side, because a fight scene, while it would undoubtedly suck ass, would at least be something besides more walking and talking.
Jinxy,
appears to be holding an auction for things he definitely didn’t obtain legally, although Yang’s arm isn’t among his offered goods. Blake, who is getting on my nerves because she won’t quit recapping that fucking Girl Who Fell book, says that all of Jinxy’s treasures are other items in disguise, because that’s how you maintain tension—having characters openly state the plot because they already know it.
This episode is going at a fucking snail’s pace, and I’m beating my head against my desk as Yang guesses that the arm-sized wand with gold embellishing must be her arm. Ruby is fixated on the little green doll, however—‘cause it reminds her of Penny, get it?
Jinxy begins bamboozling a customer and Blake *grinding teeth* says that there is no money involved, Jinxy just states what he wants in exchange for a good, which in “Alyx’s” case was her saddest memory and her happiest memory. Jinxy ends up trading the little pink rabbit for a hug, which Little oohs and aahs over because hugs are just so valuable and oh my god JUST KILL ME ALREADY!!!
*clawing hands down face* There is nothing entertaining about this! We’re just watching characters react to shit, because apparently even the basics are too complex for Miles and Kerry and they think a plot can just be characters reacting to absurdist fantasy that’s been watered down until it’s more a test of patience for the next plot point’s arrival than anything! I hate it, I hate this fucking episode! I hate this volume! I hate it all!
I don’t care. I don’t care about any of this.
The price Jinxy sets for the golden scepter is “knowing what it’s like to feel loved”. Bait arrival in 3...2...1… No, just kidding, one of the royal guards nabs the scepter. It takes me several rewinds to figure out what Yang says next, until I realize she said “We tried it your way, Blake”. She then moves to take the scepter by force.
Ruby, however, wants that little green doll, and for it, she is asked for “enough hope to fill [this] jar”. Ruby, because she is a sadgirl who has lost her bestie and is struggling with a terminal illness called “the recipient of more trauma and emotional damage than the writers care about portraying in full”, has not enough coin. Doesn’t matter though, because Little just steals the doll while Jinxy isn’t looking. Jinxy panicks because an item being touched before a deal is sealed apparently means the illusion spell is undone. The little green doll is immediately revealed to be…
One of the knives Penny manifested with her maiden powers, which apparently fell down here when we weren’t looking.
This catches Ruby’s attention, and the citizens are in a ruckus at being scammed. Yang manages to take back her arm from one of the guards, and Ruby rushes for the knife, There is absolutely zero sense of urgency to any of this as RWBY make off with their items as Jinxy has to deal with the angry crowd.
*rubbing temples* There really is no soul to any of this. Maybe it’s the complete lack of music since the opening of the episode, but this is all so bland.
Do they? The fucking playable auction in Wind Waker was more exciting than what you just showed me. You literally got everything you wanted with minimal effort.
Blake, once again, will not shut up about that fucking book.
What is your goddamn deal with that character, you dense broad?!
Fine. You want the point out of retirement that bad? This is the eighth time this episode already, so here, have eight points.
Shut the Fuck Up: 15 (+8)
I’m an adaptable bitch. Heroic speeches, bizarre kid’s story recaps, my counts are multi-purpose.
I have no idea what the fuck that means. I do know, however, that your bookworm characterization did not make it past Volume One, and no one has said anything until now because no one really cares. The resurgence of this character feature is fucking weird and is giving me Volume 8 vibes.
Ruby sits down with her dead bestie’s knife,
which is getting an ugly point because. Well, fuck it, just look at it. No angles or anything, it’s flat, a straight line.
LuLaRwe: 63
R: I couldn’t explain why, but I…I was drawn to it.
It starts to rain because Sad Ruby, which frustrates Weiss into pushing for them to escape this place immediately.
W: Alyx went to the tree, right? Let’s go.
B: I don’t think it’s gonna work like that. In the book—
W: We. Are not. In. A book. And even if we were, we know how it ends! Right over there!
Thank you, Weiss.
Shut the Fuck Up: 16
Then we get this hilarious gag in which Weiss manages to go nowhere despite walking off the right edge of the screen several times, because spatial looping or whatever.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 52 (+2)
Extra point for the rock slapstick.
Little confirms that there are no direct methods of getting to the tree. The Weiss gags continue.
Broke-Ass Clowns: 53
Yang asks how they’re supposed to get out then, or how to find Crescent Rose in the meantime. Then, voices.
???: This way, somebody sad!
???: I’d be sad too, if I ruined the royal birthday!
Yang bemoans the Red King’s guards coming to harass them again, and Ruby, staring at her own reflection in Penny’s shining blade, pisses me off by actually inviting Blake’s input as to what Alyx did next in the story. God damn it all.
Shut the Fuck Up: 17
Naturally, Blake says Alyx went to the Red King’s castle and beat him at his own game. Thus, they go along with their pathetic and annoying captors. In order to get out of attending the party as prisoners, Ruby offers a better present than the “scepter” that the guards had initially traded: “the weapon of a powerful warrior”.
You’re not going to keep that, then? Even though you went to a very slight amount of trouble to get it? Even though it’s the only keepsake you have of Penny?
Whatever man, not like I’m eager to see them try and salvage the Penny situation any further. If they wanna chuck it out the window and into the trash, it’s not like they left themselves with better options.
The music (well, a single repeating piano note and a very faint violin hum…) shows up to work right in time to clock out as Ruby beefs up her offer.
R: Not just a powerful warrior. The most powerful to ever live. She was touched by magic. And she gave her life for thousands.
Thousands of lives you threw away, Ruby! Thousands of lives she couldn’t save because, despite being “the most powerful warrior to every live”, she got nerfed to death so Cinder Fall could take her win.
R: She took a message of hope to the stars… And she saw the world through better eyes.
A message of hope that was last seen falling out of the sky, with absolutely no word in three years as to what happened to it or the rather important characters who were in it. Amity Colosseum, ya know?
As a matter of fact, this really does sound like how MK try to cast their plots. I mean, this has the same stink of them writing Ironwood into a puppy-kicking, baby-eating villain and then calling it a fallen hero arc. This glowing, flattering depiction of what was actually a massive fucking trainwreck that came about via their deliberate derailment.
Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Veil: 112
Ruby asks to be taken to the palace and the guards escort them. When Blake asks if she’s sure about this, Ruby says that since they’ve been put on Alice in Wonderland rails, they may as well follow them, and bitterly suggests they stop pretending they know what they’re doing in the meantime.
You know what this is? This is Sun Wukong’s “I’m like, the worst leader ever” bullshit all over again. Miles and Kerry took out their petty vendettas on their own characters, and now they’re going to try and reframe it as a character flaw or a thing that’s going to cause the character to grow and change.
Except just like with Sun, this isn’t fooling anybody, because everyone knows that Ruby wouldn’t have crashed Atlas and doomed hundreds of thousands of people if Miles and Kerry hadn’t been trying to write Ironwood and Atlas out of the story completely. Plans that utterly demented and careless aren’t within her character, just like stalking girls and leaving his team to go fuck off in the void isn’t in Sun’s character.
But on the bright side, it’s doubtful they’ll catch any shit for it, since it’s not like Ruby has any real dedicated fans. That kinda happens when you refuse to characterize your main character.
Cue credits. Which are notable because I found this name among them:
You guys really bothered to put her name in there this time? What, you hoping I’d turn my ire onto Kdin for giving the thumbs-up to this absolute garbage of a script? That wouldn’t work because we already know the input of anyone not in the big circle of bigwigs at your trashy company has never mattered. But whatever, I’m sure she’s so thrilled to finally be credited that she’ll just forgive all the slurs and hate.
Counts:
- Jaune: 83
- It Was Right There: 63
- Fauxminism: 61
- Hypocrisy: 57
- Reliable Leaders: 80 + 17
- Prowling Wolf Fallacy: 17 (RETIRED)
- Prowling Wolf Fallacy: 17 (RETIRED)
- Threatening Enemies: 59
- Love to Be a Part of It Someday: 104
- Your Fight Scene Sucks: 155 + 33
- Evisceration Evasion: 35
- Ill Logic: 193
- Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Veil: 112 + 90
- Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge: 35
- Band-Aid Brigade: 55
- Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge: 35
- RSVP: 72
- Road to Nowhere: 43
- Dragged Kicking and Screaming: 53
- Y.A.S. Queen: 18
- Rooster Tease: 37
- LuLaRwe: 63
- The Lovegood Fallacy: 17
- How to Piss Off Gay People: 90
- Invisembl: 14
- Broke-Ass Clowns: 53
- Shut the Fuck Up: 17
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54 – Volume 9, Episode 1 | Table of Contents | 56 – Volume 9, Episode 3
