Table of Contents - The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

[surgeworks]

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
directed by Shigeru Miyamoto, produced by Eiji Aonuma, published by Nintendo

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess is the thirteenth main game in the much-beloved Legend of Zelda series. It follows series mainstays Link and Zelda along with debut character Midna in their efforts to stop the spread of the Twilight, a shadowy alternate dimension where fearsome beasts lurk, and to put a stop to Zant, the corrupt leader at the helm of the assault. It was released in 2006 to critical acclaim and astounding reviews, particularly uplifting for Nintendo after the less-than-liked Majora’s Mask and Wind Waker entries.

This game also happens to be an example of personal vindication for me; much like Persona 3, this game was released in 2006, around the turn of generations for video gaming when gaming was becoming more accessible and less of a specific market, and creating them was becoming more of a professional endeavor. Games were becoming more cinematic and drawing on elements from other media more, sometimes to their strength and sometimes to their detriment. This would go on to become an example of a game where popular perception actually matches mine down to a tee, with the critical acclaim steadily petering out and inverting as the gaming world continued to look past their nostalgia and realize more of its flaws.

I will be drawing on three previous titles to make my points: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, and Wind Waker. Not only do those happen to be the Zelda games I own and regularly play, but they along with Twilight Princess make up what I refer to as the “Big Four” of Zelda—the most commercialized, advertised, and spoken-of Zelda games in modern memory; a “Big Five” and “Big Six” wouldn’t happen until the introductions of Skyward Sword and Breath of the Wild, respectively. And as one of the Zelda titles to have a strong marketing and go down in the series’ history as one of its turning points, I’ll be taking it to task whenever it leans on its predecessors too much—and you’re welcome to join me where you might find it leaning on Zelda games I haven’t played, too.

I want to say it now, and I want it firmly remembered, that this recap is not meant to shit on this game, nor is it meant to shame anyone who enjoys or calls it their favorite Zelda game. I know more than a few sporkers hold this game dear to their heart, and believe it or not, I actually like it. And to be honest, after Persona 3 and with RWBY still ongoing, I just need a palette-cleanser that I can openly enjoy even while criticizing it. I view this spork more as the click of a gun’s safety before the firing of the bullet, in that I’d like to spork a Zelda game that bugs me before I go on ahead to sporking a Zelda game that breaks me.

Don’t get confused—Skyward Sword is not the spiritual sequel to Twilight Princess’s problems. It did not inherit the counts we’re going to use (most of them, anyway…). Twilight Princess is indicative of problems Nintendo as a whole sank into from around this point onward, and has not crawled out of since. Skyward Sword is…just crap. Indescribably so, at least right now. But as it is, things aren’t exactly peachy right here in 2006, either. So let’s go and look at the problems that plagued The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

Here are the counts we’ll be using before we jump into the game:

• Hollywood Profound: This game would really like to believe that it’s deep and has stories for the ages to tell. In reality, it’s not all that impressive. This count is for every time a scenario plays out like it was meant to enjoyed more for what of it you watched than for what of it you played.
• Link Called, He Wants His Ocarina Back: This is for every time Twilight Princess leans heavily on a past game or outright rips a past game off. In general, this is a counter for unoriginality.
• Fuck Off, Midna: For every time Midna is, in short, awful or fails to convince us she isn’t. Around the time this game was getting made, it was often thought—by many a Suethor, as well as a lot of misguided audiences even today—that making a character a jerk is an interesting personality trait on its own. It isn’t.
• What Villain?: Truthfully, this is a Zant-centric count. It is going to go up every time Zant is either bad at being a villain, or is good at being a villain in a way that won’t count later.
• What Zelda?: Remember all those times Zelda was important in this game? I don’t. That’s hardly a first for Zelda, but it was the first time modern Zelda ever made this the case while insisting that the titular princess is still an integral part of the game it’s presenting. Obviously, it's a difficult count to characterize--how do you tally all the times a character isn't there? Well, I'm gonna try, and fuck it, it's my journal, it can be arbitrary if I want.
  
• Just Tagging Along: This count is about the times where it becomes apparent that this isn’t Link’s quest or his story, it’s Midna’s. Link does not so much pursue his goals as he pursues someone else’s, and this count will go up whenever that is made clear, or whenever it is made clear that Midna could be completing this quest by herself without us. It also goes up whenever this game patronizingly implies we can’t do simple things without Midna.
• The Hero of Wasting Time: Wasted opportunities, anyone? I spend a lot of time imagining ways this game could’ve been better or done more, and in the spirit of honest criticism, there’s a count for that. Maybe a game mechanic wasn’t used enough, or it could’ve been more interesting when used another way. Maybe a story element would’ve been better dropped. Maybe I spend too much time in my head trying thinking of better ways this game could’ve been designed.
• Ill Logic: Mhm. I realize logic isn’t always the best way to approach the Zelda series, but some of it is necessary, ya know! I wasn’t going to include this at first, until I actually played through the game and realized how much it applied.
• Bad Game Design: As promised, this will be a mainstay for all video game sporks. How high will it go?

Here are the upcoming chapters:

• 01: Ordon Village
  
• 02: The Twilight
  
• 03: The Forest Temple
  
• 04: Kakariko
  
• 05: Death Mountain
  
• 06: The Goron Mines
  
• 07: Lanayru Province
  
• 08: Prince Ralis
  
• 09: The Lakebed Temple
  
• 10: The Game Changes
  
• 11: The Gerudo Desert
  
• 12: The Arbiter's Grounds
  
• 13: Snowpeak
  
• 14: The Sacred Grove
  
• 15: Ilia's Memory
  
• 16: The City in the Sky
  
• 17: The Palace of Twilight
  
• 18: The End
  
• Final Thoughts: Story, Characters, & Gameplay
  
• Final Thoughts: Themes, Music, & Style